Shit. I panicked, thinking to myself. Why did he have to ask me the hardest question first?! I wracked my brain, tearing my gaze from his. What the fuck have I ever achieved in my life? And then it hit me. It would probably sound stupid, but it was the truth, which is what Kai wanted. “Finally learning to love myself,” I said confidently, but inside I was shaking. Would he laugh? Slap me? Call me a stupid bitch? I didn’t know.
My heart flutters at the slightest hint of his smile. “Thank you,” I said, accepting his compliment gracefully, hardly daring to believe he actually liked what I said. I took a deep breath and continued to stare into his hardened eyes.
“The lowest point,” I began. “That’s easy. When my anxiety and depression got so bad that I lost control of my life. I was scared of everything. I couldn’t take care of myself. I lost sight of who I was. I had to enter outpatient therapy at a hospital to get back on track again and regain control of my life. And now here I am, stronger for it.” I waited nervously for his answer and next question once again…
(Sara/slightlystrangesimmer on my personal blog)
He lightly scoffs.
“You’ve been through so much in such a short life,” he meets your joined hands with his free one, holding it over your hand very gently. He wraps his fingers around you and rubs the back of your hand with his thumb as he lets his eyes soften for just a moment.
“What happened to you to cause something that strong?”
You’ve been through so much in such a short life. His words echoed through my mind. Oh Kai, I thought, if only you knew the half of it.
His gentle touch sent tingles up my spine and set fire to the pit of my stomach. I struggled to concentrate on answering his newest question.
“Oh my,” I began shakily. “The easier question to answer would be what didn’t happen.” I paused, thinking how best to explain.
“I was diagnosed as depressed and suicidal at age 15. At the point in my life that this mental and emotional collapse occurred, I wasn’t managing my condition very well. I had recently escaped an abusive relationship, packed up and moved to start anew, and recently started at a new job that was too stressful for me to handle. It all sort of snowballed from there until it got to the point where I was almost constantly breaking down and panicking. Finally when I admitted to myself that I wasn’t functioning or even really living at all, I sought out professional help. There have been darker moments in my past, though,” I finished with a dark chuckle, wondering what he would say next.
He kept his eyes trained on her features, mapping every time they changed and how they moved in conjunction with what she was saying. He stayed silent and kept the room cool.
“Well…” he spoke slowly, “indulge me. What is one of those ‘darkest moments?’“
I wanted to melt under his gaze. It was oddly comforting instead of intimidating. I felt as if he truly cared and was interested in what I had to say. I swallowed thickly, my heart still pounding with desire and need, and I wondered if Kai could hear it.
“My mom kidnapped me from my father when I was ten. She came and picked me up from a friend’s house. I got in the car, not understanding what was happening. We drove so long that we crossed state lines. We met up with a strange man. At least, he was strange to me. My mom knew him. They treated me nicely and bought me lots of toys. My mom asked me if I wanted to leave my dad and come live down here with her. I was having fun, and still didn’t understand, so I said yes. At night we went to an American Legion where I was the only child there and people were smoking and drinking at the bar. My mom let me use a pay phone to call my dad. Him sobbing on the other end was not something I expected. The sound of his voice is something that still haunts me to this day. We stayed overnight at a hotel, and I slept with my clothes on because that’s all I had. I don’t remember what happened when we came home. I don’t know why my dad didn’t press charges. I don’t know how, after a stunt like that, my parents are still together to this day. I want answers. But I don’t want to be the one to bring up something so traumatic when they are both so happy.”
My voice was raw and unemotional. My cheeks flushed as I felt utterly exposed now. Once again I wondered what Kai thought and what would happen next. Maybe he would slap me for talking too much. Maybe he would think I was a freak. Or maybe he would continue to sympathize with me. I tried to keep my body calm as I anxiously waited.
His eyes softened, still unblinking.
“It must be so horrible holding onto something that weighs on you so heavily.”
Kai scoots in his chair and straightens himself up without breaking their pinkie chain. After situating himself, he returned his focus to the girl sitting across from him.
“I hope one day that you can speak openly to your parents about this, or find some sort of peace. I understand what it’s like to hold onto pain from your parents.” He paused.
“If there’s anything I can urge you to do after we’re done here, talk to your parents. Make amends for yourself, while you still can.” He briefly looked down at the floor, but coughed and looked back up.
I was taken by surprise. I never expected to see you so emotional, and I wasn’t sure how to react. I watched as you looked at the floor and then scooted in closer to me. I shifted my feet under the table nervously, knocking them softly against yours. I cleared my throat before I continued.
“I’ll…I’ll try. To talk to them,” I said quietly and with a deep breath. “They leave for vacation this weekend. I’ll have the house to myself all week which will give me some time to think about I wanna approach this whenever they get back.” I casually but purposely mentioned having the house to myself, but I wasn’t really sure why. I looked away momentarily before leaning in closer to you.
“I’m sorry, Kai,” I began gently. “I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories for you. I…I can leave you alone now if you want.” I gazed at you intensely, hoping your answer would be no.
“Good.”
He returned to his near-perfect posture, eyes locked back onto yours with an intensity that surpassed the way he watched you before. The empathetic features he bore melted away to reveal a statue. His pinky tightened as his eyebrows rose, giving off a distinct, ‘really, now?’ feeling.
“Why would you want to leave? We’ve barely started.”
The sudden hardening of your features frightened me. I almost yelped painfully when your pinky squeezed mine even harder. I felt as if I might lose blood circulation to it. But I didn’t say anything, not wanting to appear weak.
“I-I don’t want to leave,” I mumbled quietly, averting my eyes nervously. “I, um, just meant that, well, maybe you wanted to stop or something if-if I, uh, had taken things too far for you…” I trailed off, my cheeks heating up as I felt incredibly stupid right now. I wanted to close my eyes and disappear, you probably thought I was such an idiot right now.
His finger loosened slightly, just enough to regain any feeling you may have lost. His eyes, though, never moved.
“I am the furthest a person can go,” he proclaimed to the empty room behind you, “I am the end, the complete picture. Tell me,” he leaned in until his nose sat parallel to your intertwined fingers, “what’s the furthest you would go for a cause you’d believe in? How far does your loyalty reach?”
How do I even answer something like that?! I panicked.
Truth be told, it really depends on the cause. But I had a feeling that you wouldn’t like that answer so much. I thought a bit, my eyes darting around your basement as I did so.
Finally, I opened my mouth to speak. “If it was something I really, truly believed in with all my heart, I would give anything to see it through to the end. Even if it meant giving up my own life. Death doesn’t frighten me. So I wouldn’t be afraid to die for something/someone that meant more to me than myself.”
I swallowed, hardly breathing.
“As for loyalty…my loyalty knows no bounds,” I stated unblinkingly and without hesitation.
I stared at you, my cheeks red and my breathing shallow. Your intensity, your passion, threatened to swallow me whole. And I found myself not giving a shit if it did. To be able to let go of all of my past pain and trauma and lose myself in someone/something else, even if it meant dying, was oddly welcoming and comforting to me.
“What do you mean you’re the furthest one can go? What do you mean you’re ‘the end’, ‘the complete picture’?” I challenged you daringly, raising an eyebrow and smirking.
His eyes narrowed and focused intently onto yours.
“I have thrown away everything I’ve ever known for my cause. A cause that will change the world for the better. I am prepared for the war, I’ll create it myself, if I have to, to reach the best possible end for us. I know exactly how. I know things- I know what it will take to bring America to it’s former glory! I have the key that will set each and every person free from whatever shithole they’ve dug themselves into.
“I am the end. I am the peak of human evolution, and I can bring everyone up with me. Could you say the same about yourself?”
My Type is Homicidal 